Horse Comedy
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Horse Comedy

Good afternoon and welcome to the racing at New Market. They are about to go into the stalls, for the 03:30 serve. Over to you Peter?
Thank you, yes the seven runners for the first direct durex handicap over six furlongs just beginning to lur load it up. That is Puffen, very much on his toes and beautifully turned out – he really looked a picture in the attic. paddock. Just coming into our picture is Vagina, Vagina is one of the two fillies in the race, she is, very good opening speed and the overnight rain would have helped her, she likes it a bit soft under foot. That’s the Wanker going to the stall, steady horse for the Wanker but he tends to be a bit one paced. Just going in is Buttocks, and Buttocks is a big colt blinkered for the first time. There’s our favourite, the Prick, I think he would have preferred slightly firm a guy going, Ingham. And just going in is outsider of the field, the seven year old Asshole. Asshole – the shit out of and has been tailed off in his last three outings, rather disappointing horses and one of the last to go in is Big Tits who is carrying the top weight steady performer but I think a 10 pound penalty will be a little too much for her this afternoon. She is safely in. And oh dear, there’s the Prick, he is rearing up, he tends to get excited, very excitable horse, I remember he had to be withdrawn at Lingfield. Yes they are going to put the hood on him, they are very good, the handlers here in New Market. And now to the late show of Betting. Thank you Peter is hard and half a point 2118 Vagina is three’s, the Puff and Buttocks are at 92, there is some late money for Big Tits who is coming to join the rank on 81 and Now as expected, Asshole is 66 to 1. Asshole is 66 to 1, complete outsider.
Funny Horse Racing


They’re, they’re, they are all in, they are under starter’s orders and they are off. Big Tits going to fly and is the first to show. Asshole was slowly aware and has settled down. Big Tits from Vagina with the Prick tucked in behind these two, then comes the Blinkered Buttocks being pressed by the Puff. Going steadily behind these five is the Wanker and trailing the field is Asshole. And as they start to climb the hill, it’s Vagina who just goes clear of Buttocks. The Prick is close-up third, nothing between these three. Big Tits is hanging a slight to the left. Tucked in behind is Puff, still trailing the field is Asshole. There is the Puff again making a challenge with Asshole under pressure but finding nothing and as they race to the line it is Vagina being pressed by the Prick with the Puff making rapid progress trying to squeeze in between Buttocks and the rails. The Prick and Vagina, there is nothing between these two and the Wanker is coming with a late run, the Wanker is coming with a late run and Big Tits is dropped out of it altogether and with a hundred yards going, the Prick and Vagina drawing clear, the Prick and Vagina strive to strike the line. It must be a photo I can’t say Bred but then I think Puff takes third from the Wanker and still to finish is the tiring Asshole. Well, one hell of a race, the Prick may’ve just got up in the last stride. I wouldn’t like to put my money on it and I’d expect two topless tarts at Row Hampton.

Animal Winter Games

In Arctic waters, ice sheets bond and break against one another. It’s a setting for unusual heavy weight competition – tusk wrestling. The arena – a shrinking ice form, the contestants – a pack of sun starved walruses.