Trampled by a Horse
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Trampled by a Horse

Very little is known about horses so let’s start with some basic facts. A horse is a hoofed mammal that wants to kill you. Horses were first domesticated around 4500 B.C by Sidney, the horse domesticator. In that same period the wheel was invented. This was bad news for the horse. The world of fantasy and fiction paints a rosy picture of their relationship between humans and horses.

“Hello! I am Mr. Ed”
The true story is much darker. Although the mass media is saturated with images of romanticized horses, this is merely part of the horse conspiracy to obscure the obvious truth. These are disgusting, dangerous animals. Don’t think so. Take a look at this revolting display. Horses’ mating is so disgusting that they don’t even want to do it. People have to make them do it because they want more horses. Horses don’t want more horses. Horses think it’s enough already. They sleep standing up. How stupid is that? Having been sadistically tortured for millennia,
“They were shot 50 times in the stomach”
Horses long ago came to the conclusion that their desperate lives can only be redeemed with the annihilation of the human race. At some point in their lives seven in twelve Americans will be trampled by a horse. That’s more than half of us. Everyday 82 people die in horse related accidents in New York City alone. Horses have taken lives of some of the most celebrated of our heroes – Christopher Reeve to Cole Porter to Mother Teresa. Nevertheless horse fetishism has existed throughout human history.

”MGM’s National Velvet – the exciting story of a girl, a horse and a dream.”
“What does it feel like to be in love with a horse?”
Catherine the Great, the empress of Russia from 1762 to 1796 was known for riding them in her own special ways. And even in today’s culture the horse remains a potent sex symbol.
“….heartache and disappointment and loss.”
Most young girls go through a period of intense fascination with horses
“I love you my li’l pony”
from which they never recover.
Just as they sufferers of Stockholm syndrome fall in love with their abductors, horse fetishers are attracted to their enemy.
[Horse neighs]

The association of horse with sex continues even though in a nationwide poll horses were voted third least sexy after vampires and people who think vampires are sexy. With public awareness on the rise, some horses have taken smaller forms so as to appear less threatening. By eating less hay, horses can decide to instead become ponies. This so called pony appears less threatening but the disguise is merely a ruse.
A tiny horse visiting some of the tiniest patients and brightening their day, reminding them that they too can accomplish big things.

Later that afternoon the miniscule equine trampled, killed and devoured all those children but the news didn’t mention that. In this shocking video a teenage girl is being tortured by a berserk steed who in a jealous rage tramples and kills the cameraman. Dr. Irvin Schmuckenplotz of the Schmuckenplotz Center for equine research and See To My Pants, Colorado, is one of the few modern scientists willing to speak on the record about the horse problem.

Dr. Irvin Schmuckenplotz, “They are trying to kill us, the horses. Ohh .. uh, I hate them. People deny it, they don’t want to talk about it but everyone knows. Many many people trampled by a horse. One in two people that sees a horse dies within five minutes. Over 96% of deaths in the world, this is everywhere – Brazil was caused by a horse. Usually there is a cover up. Oh what a nice horse, what a pretty horse. Dead!”
“George Washinton – trampled by a horse, Denzel Washington – trampled by a horse. The entire Vienna Boys’ Choir trampled by a single horse. If you see a horse, the one thing to do is avoid them. Stay away. Don’t make eye contact. If you look at them, you are on the list.”

Avoid horses. It is not much comfort in a world full of deadly monsters, but it’s the best we can do. One day with luck, perhaps these ferocious beasts will leave us alone and find someone else to terrorize. In the meantime we can relish the occasional comforting horse-tale given to us by Hollywood.
And hope that we survive.

Wildebeest Vigorously Defends Calf

Renowned for their superb hunting skills wild dogs will almost always bring down their pray, although in Serengeti nothing is uncertain. A female and a calf are first separated from the herd. The pack is determined to get at the calf. Unable to outrun the dogs, the two turn and face their attackers. The calf fights to stay close to its mother, the only defense, while she does her best to hold. For a moment it appears the struggle will soon be over.